Happier

Reconciling Present and Future

Four different approaches to the search for happiness deliver four dramatically different outcomes.

• Many people defer rewards to the future while doing things where “we are not rewarded for enjoying the journey but for the successful completion of a journey.” Many jobs and most educational environments are like this. Ben-Sharar refers to this style as the rat race.
• Others use a hedonistic approach to life, satisfying only their current desires, but without thought for the future. This falls short of providing happiness because we tire of and eventually become bored with those sensations and experiences — whether they’re about food, drink, entertainment, sex or other pleasures that provide only short-term pleasure.
• The nihilist approach assumes our past failures predict our future outcomes. People with that outlook find little meaning in life and, understandably, little happiness.
• The happiness archetype is one where we not only enjoy the journey to our goals and our futures. We also enjoy the destination we’ve targeted. This is the lifestyle that can provide happiness along the way, and happiness at the end of the road. Example: If a person deeply enjoys a certain kind of work, doing that work (the “journey”) as well as pay increases, advancement and recognition (the “destination”) each bring about happiness.

Happiness Explained

Ben-Shahar defines happiness as “the overall experience of pleasure and meaning.” Pleasure comes from living in the moment and enjoying our experiences in this moment. Pleasure is driven by our positive emotions. Meaning derives from having a sense of purpose that we are accomplishing, creating, assisting or otherwise contributing something of value — whether to a personal relationship, to a career, an educational pursuit or to the community. For example, if you find yourself in the “rat race” category, simply working at a job that is not fulfilling, putting in hours to eventually get that raise or promotion, you can do better by finding work that is a “source of both present and future benefit.”

The Ultimate Currency

Happiness is the Ultimate Currency. It overshadows wealth, notoriety, fame and possessions. Money and material gain are intrinsically worthless, except for their contribution to positive emotions. Without that contribution, having millions of dollars is in itself of no value. One can think, for example, of many celebrities with untold wealth who fell prey to drugs, alcohol and unhealthy lifestyles to cover up the unhappiness in their lives. The author cites numerous studies that show little if any relation between wealth and happiness, except for those people at the lowest end of the income range who struggle for basic necessities.

Setting Goals

Setting goals is widely recognized as a worthwhile activity. Yet research shows that reaching a goal often produces only momentary happiness, and may well call for much sacrifice in working toward the goal. A student may set a goal to graduate from college in four years, but finds she has to take 15 to 18 credit hours each semester — a daunting task for most that calls for constant hard work and usually produces more anxiety and stress than one wants to endure. The key to successful goal setting is assuring that you enjoy the journey toward your goal as well as its attainment. “People seeking greater well-being would be well advised to focus on the pursuit of (a) goals involving growth, connection and contribution rather than goals involving money, beauty and popularity; and, (b) goals that are interesting and personally important to them rather than goals they feel forced or pressured to pursue,” according to Dr. Kennon Sheldon.

Happiness in Education

Most educational environments put students into the “rat race” category where they are motivated largely by the need to achieve a high grade point average. Those learning environments teach us that failing to achieve is…failure. Thus, we find ourselves to some extent motivated by fear of failure — whether it is a particularly difficult course like organic chemistry, calculus or physics, or the overall educational experience. Fear is not an effective motivator and it contributes to stress and anxiety.

Ben-Shahar proposes a that students can find “flow” — that state of mind where you “get into” what you are studying, where you find it intrinsically interesting and rewarding. It’s a state that gives pleasure and meaning in the moment. When you have established a worthy goal, such as completing a term paper based on your studies, the combination of the journey and the destination each contribute to a happiness culture in education. The flow state is most reliably reached when the tasks at hand are neither too complex nor too simple. “We experience flow when the difficulty of the task and our skill level correspond.”

Happiness in the Workplace

In 2005 the Conference Board researchers found that only 50 percent of workers are happy in their jobs. People choose the work they do, yet many choose jobs and careers that do not provide meaning and pleasure, that do not provide happiness. We can each choose work, jobs and careers that deliver satisfaction and happiness using Ben-Shahar’s “MPS Process” to tabulate what gives you Meaning and Pleasure, and then match those up with your Strengths. You’ll find areas of overlap that point you to possible career choices that deliver happiness over the long term.

Happiness in Relationships

Those of us who have dogs understand unconditional love. No matter what we do, our dogs love us unconditionally. Cultivating that majestic quality of love for those with whom we have relationships is essential to happiness. Achieving unconditional love requires that we do everything possible to honor, respect and care for the other person. As scriptures advise, “Do not do unto another what you would not have them do unto you.” Following the Golden Rule is the foundation of unconditional love.

Yet unconditional love in itself is not sufficient to guarantee happiness. We must also find meaning and pleasure in the relationship. People caught in the rat race postpone today’s happiness for hoped-for future reward. Those in the hedonistic segment live only for the pleasure they derive from a relationship today. Others who are nihilistic live in a relationship because “they have to for the sake of the children,” or because “it’s the right thing to do.” Only people in the happiness archetype focus on finding meaning and pleasure from their mates. The single most effective way to find that happiness is through openness, self-disclosure and intimacy in communication — opening up to one another even about one’s most closely guarded secrets. We often fear that opening up will frighten our loved one away because they suddenly see us in a negative light. Just the opposite is true: clear, honest, open communication promotes intimacy that dramatically deepens a relationship.

Meditations

In Chapter Two Ben-Shahar offers guidance on how to meditate. He concludes the book with several meditations and exercises that aid in experiencing happiness on a daily, moment-by-moment basis.

• Benevolence – enjoy times when you were benevolent toward another, and envision how you can be benevolent in the future.
• Happiness Boosters – using activities from your “MPS” process, meditate on those activities that deliver meaning and pleasure.
• Beyond the Temporary High – Best done with another person or a group, sit and discuss positive past events and activities. Explore how they can be used to create more happiness in the future.
• Letting our Light Shine – We each have inherent, intrinsic worth. Meditate on what limits the way you value yourself, what factors are preventing you from enjoying more happiness.
• Imagine – Take time to imagine you are very old and very wise and very happy. Then imagine traveling back through time to visit yourself when you were just 20 years old. What advice would you give yourself to ensure a life filled with happiness? Do this in writing, refer to it often and update it as you grow in happiness.
• Take Your Time – Our modern society is filled with time pressures. Simplify your life so that you achieve “time affluence” rather than material affluence. Use your “mind map” (see “Take Action” below) to see how you can simplify your life and enjoy more leisure time.
• The Happiness Revolution – Learn to perceive happiness as the Ultimate Currency, the most important aspect of your life. In so learning, practice forgiveness at every opportunity, practice the Golden Rule. When in a conflict with another person, stop and ask yourself “Would I rather be right or be happy.” Negative emotions are usually a red flag reminding you to choose compassion, understanding and happiness rather than choosing to “win” an argument or “be right.”