Don’t Fall Prey to the Vicious Cycle

Recent research reveals that rekindling a romance often puts out the flame on a couple’s happiness.

We’ve all been there. The dreaded cyclical relationship: break up – get back together – break up again – get… you get the picture. It’s tempting. It’s easy. It’s a slippery slope, and, while it happens to everyone, it very rarely turns out well. Now, scientists are affirming what we’ve all known since middle school. It is best to let sleeping dogs – and relationships – lie.

Don't fall prey to the vicious cycle

When you are involved with someone, there are always issues. There is no avoiding that. Everyone has their foibles. If the issues prove to be too great – if they can’t be resolved – the relationship ends. The trouble is that the human brain is a tricky little muscle. Much in the same way that you can’t actually recall the pain of a broken arm when you were six, your brain tends to remember the good parts of relationships and gloss over the bad. This is a great feature in some ways. Imagine if you had to vividly recall all the physical pain in your life. Or all the emotional pain for that matter. You would go crazy. The downside? Sometimes you pick up the phone and say, “remember how good  we used to be?”

Amber Vennum, an assistant professor of family studies and human services at Kansas State University, has recently conducted a study analyzing the outcome of so-called cyclical relationships. Vennum’s preliminary findings are sobering. Couples who get back together generally do not last. The same problems that broke them up in the first place begin to resurface. To make matters worse, the kinds of people who end up in these relationship patterns are often impulsive and optimistic – which is the reason they rekindle a flame that was rightfully extinguished in the first place – and they approach their reunion with that same attitude. The result is a break up that can be even worse than the original.

Vennum found cyclical couples tend to be more impulsive than other couples about decisions such as co-cohabitation or having a child together. Impulsive people make impulsive decisions. And when two impulsive types get back together, they are likely, a few years down the line, to be asking themselves why they own a condo and three cats with someone they broke up with because the relationship didn’t work the first time. It is indeed a cycle, and it is one that results in lowered self-esteem, guilt, regret, and time lost. Sometimes there are pets or children involved. This can make things even more painful and complicated and make the second (third? fourth?) break-up even more of a disaster.

In the end, Vennum offers a pretty clear message for couples:

Don’t get back together,” she said. “Study after study shows that when our relationships are poor, we don’t function well. If it seems necessary to get back together, make sure the decision is carefully considered by both people and that specific efforts are made to establish clarity.”

What can we learn from this news? When you break up with someone, you take a massive hit. You are lonely. You feel bad – possibly about yourself. You may even feel hopeless. The idea of going out and meeting someone new seems daunting. You have the urge to call your ex for a drink or dinner. Even if you know what will eventually happen. Don’t do it. Listen to that little voice inside your head, and remember, science is on your side. Social politics are complicated, but researchers are compiling studies as you read this – studies that tell us that you should meet someone new and let bygones be bygones.

Vennum is preparing her study findings for publication.

2 thoughts on “Don’t Fall Prey to the Vicious Cycle”

  1. Cyclical relationships are the story of some of my friends’ lives, and they never work out, so it’s so nice to know that science actually proves that people who get back together don’t last! As someone who has nursed many a friend through bad break-ups that were very carrie bradshaw-eque, I think it’s so interesting that the brain has the tendency to romanticize things from the past.
    Also, “The result is a break up that can be even worse than the original.” So true!!

    Really fascinating study! I think a lot of other people would think so as well.

    Reply
  2. This was my life, but I didn’t realise until I was out – it needs to be voiced more often As the stigma around domestic violence (emotional abuse) is so prominant – these particular people dont realise they have an issue, they don’t want to be labeled with DV when it’s this!! Cyclical relationships

    Reply

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